


prove to me im not gonna die alone

by lets boogie boys (CelestialStyles)



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, I don’t know how to tag this, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, Repetition, They were so in love, This is really sad, my souls hurts, nonlinear
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-31
Updated: 2018-03-31
Packaged: 2019-04-16 02:13:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,169
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14154459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CelestialStyles/pseuds/lets%20boogie%20boys
Summary: He’s dead, he's dead, he’s dead. And Ryan is alone again.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Wankerville](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wankerville/gifts).



> Hey so, this is really sad because im in a sad mood tonight. The second chapter is this in chronological order if you want to read it that way too. 
> 
> Um also this is super repetitive and it’s supposed to show kinda where Ryan’s brain is

1  
It was raining. That’s all Ryan can think. It was raining, it was raining, it was raining. Over and over his mind repeats the line. Somewhere along the way he thought about the irony of it. But more importantly, it was raining. It never rains in California.

  
3  
He left. He had to leave, the hand on his back moved as slowly as it did on the clock and it was beginning to feel like needles dragging against his skin. Everything felt too close, the walls, his skin, his thoughts. They were all crushing him and he had to get out. So he left, he wasn’t sure if he was going to come back, if he would ever come back.

  
6  
Steven took him home. But when did Steven get there? Was he the owner of the hand? There were words spoken but Ryan couldn’t hear them, that’s a lie, he could but there were only three that he remembers. _He loved you._ Ryan knows that, of course he knows that, but when did it become past tense?

19  
He wakes up and there’s no breathing body there beside him. He thinks nothing of it, _he’s_ in the bathroom, _he’s_ gone to grab a snack. Ryan knows better as his eyes adjust. _He’s_ been gone for quite a while now. And he doesn’t work there anymore, they had to let him go

  
7  
He needed groceries. They were going to do that tomorrow. They. His mind repeats it over and over. They, they, they. It’s just him now, he’s alone again and he doesn’t think his heart can take it. He knows his heart can’t take it.

  
12  
He has to go back to work today. He doesn’t. He almost did, his alarm went off, he was awake but his arms weighed too much to lift. Ryan tried to get up, really, but he wasn’t moving, nothing was moving. For a second maybe even his heart stopped. God he wishes his heart had stopped.

4  
He was going to go back. He hadn’t even made it to his car so he technically didn’t leave. He was almost to his car but then he saw the park, why do hospitals always have parks (he knows why, he just couldn’t think of it at the moment)? There was a field in the middle, it gaping mouth felt like Ryan’s heart did. He laid in the exact center of it and tried to feel small. It didn’t work and It was still raining, but he didn’t care as much anymore.

9  
_Prove to me I’m not gonna die alone._

 _He_ did not. _He_ did not. _He_ did not. He was there. He was there. He was there. Ryan can’t change it now. I love you, I love you, I love you. Last words, last words, last words.

_Prove to me I’m not gonna die alone…_

10  
He didn’t go to the funeral, why on earth would he go to the funeral. He would have to leave his house, something he hasn’t done since it was raining. There were bodies at funerals, and _he_ wasn't a body, _he_ was a person, _he_ was Ryan’s person. He decided afterwards he should’ve gone to the funeral. He knows all too well that you can’t change the past so he doesn’t dwell on it.

  
18  
It’s all a dream, it’s all a dream, it’s all a dream. Everything he does is a haze, he’s on a plane of existence between awake and sleeping, the living and the dead. It’s all a dream, it’s all a dream, it’s all a dream. He falls back asleep.

5  
When he got the call he couldn’t breathe. His lungs heaved and heaved but he couldn’t breathe, too heavy, everything was too heavy, his chest was collapsing from the weight and he couldn’t breathe.

_Where are you?_

I’m here, I’ve always been here, I’ll always be here.

_I don’t know_

 

14  
She knows he’s in there. They have a routine. She leaves him a casserole or something on his welcome mat on Saturday and he leaves a clean dish on the welcome mat on Friday’s and hopes it doesn’t get stolen. It makes her feel better, knowing he’s at least eating something. Knowing that he can manage it clean one dish a week. Ryan always was a creature of habit.

  
2  
He’s sitting in the hospital and it’s all wrong. The lights are wrong, the nurses are wrong, the way a hand was rubbing soothing, clockwise circles in his back was wrong. He wanted to scream, every nerve inside him was on fire. He could feel every pore on his body, every hair on edge, his body was teeming with life and all he could do was sit there.

16  
This is really happening, _he’s_ really gone. He can’t say _his_ name. He doesn’t think think he’ll ever be able to say _his_ name again. The voicemail is the only proof he has. His memory hasn’t been a reliable source as of late.

  
13  
She keeps coming to his apartment. Bringing him food. She keep speaking to him, he can hear her through the door. She says she’s sorry, what for? She keeps asking him to come out, to talk to her. She says something about being worried and that Buzzfeed isn’t the same without him. Without them. It doesn’t matter now. Nothing matters now.

  
17  
He’s not sure how long it’s been, he’s started counting time by casserole, but there seems to be too many to remember now. Twelve, thirteen maybe. He can never be sure. It doesn’t feel real, nothing feels real.

8  
Ryan could still hear _his_ voice in his head. It became a never ending loop, just when he thought it was over it was back to the top. His mind had become a broken record and there was no why to fix it.

  
15  
Ryan gets another call. He lets it go to voicemail, just like all the ones since.

_We’re sorry Ryan… we have to let you go… we know how hard this is… you are welcome back…_

He doesn’t hear most of the call. He hears what he needs. He keeps the voicemail, once a week or so he has to replay it to remind himself.

20  
Ryan pulled the covers closer to his face, letting them pool around his too heavy limbs, and pretended there was another body entertwined with his in the darkness.

11  
All he wanted was to be buried there together.

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

__  
1  
It was raining. That’s all Ryan can think. It was raining, it was raining, it was raining. Over and over his mind repeats the line. Somewhere along the way he thought about the irony of it. But more importantly, it was raining. It never rains in California.

2  
He’s sitting in the hospital and it’s all wrong. The lights are wrong, the nurses are wrong, the way a hand was rubbing soothing, clockwise circles in his back was wrong. He wanted to scream, every nerve inside him was on fire. He could feel every pore on his body, every hair on edge, his body was teeming with life and all he could do was sit there.

3  
He left. He had to leave, the hand on his back moved as slowly as it did on the clock and it was beginning to feel like needles dragging against his skin. Everything felt too close, the walls, his skin, his thoughts. They were all crushing him and he had to get out. So he left, he wasn’t sure if he was going to come back, if he would ever come back.

4  
He was going to come back, really. He hadn’t even made it to his car so he technically didn’t leave. He was almost to his car but then he saw the park, why do hospitals always have parks (he knows why he just couldn’t think of it at the moment)? There was a field in the middle, it gaping mouth felt like Ryan’s heart did. He laid in the exact center of it trying to feel small. It was still raining, he didn’t care as much anymore.

5  
When he got the call he couldn’t breathe. His lungs heaved and heaved but he couldn’t breathe, too heavy, everything was too heavy, his chest was collapsing from the weight and he couldn’t breathe.

 _Where are you?_ I’m here, I’ve always been here, I’ll always be here. 

_I don’t know_

6  
Steven took him home. But when did Steven get there? Was he the owner of the hand? There were words spoken but Ryan couldn’t hear them, that’s a lie, he could but there were only three that he remembers. _He loved you._ Ryan knows that, of course he knows that, but when did it become past tense?

7

He needed groceries. They were going to do that tomorrow. They. His mind repeats it over and over. They, they, they. It’s just him now, he’s alone again and he doesn’t think his heart can take it. He knows his heart can’t take it.

8  
Ryan could still hear _his_ voice in his head. It became a never ending loop, just when he thought it was over it was back to the top. His mind had become a broken record and there was no why to fix it.

9  
_Prove to me I’m not gonna die alone. He_ did not. _He_ did not. _He_ did not. He was there. He was there. He was there. Ryan can’t change it now. I love you, I love you, I love you. Last words, last words, last words. _Prove to me I’m not gonna die alone…_

10  
He didn’t go to the funeral, why on earth would he go to the funeral. He would have to leave his house, something he hasn’t done since it was raining. There were bodies at funerals, and _he_ wasn't a body, _he_ was a person, _he_ was Ryan’s person. He decided afterwards he should’ve gone to the funeral. He knows all too well that you can’t change the past so he doesn’t dwell on it.

11  
All he wanted was to be buried there together.

12  
He has to go back to work today. He doesn’t. He almost did, his alarm went off he was awake but his arms weighed too much to lift. Ryan tried to get up, really, but he wasn’t moving, nothing was moving. For a second maybe even his heart stopped. God he wishes his heart had stopped.

13  
She keeps coming to his apartment. Bringing him food. She keep speaking to him, he can hear her through the door. She says she’s sorry, what for? She keeps asking him to come out, to talk to her. She says something about being worried and that Buzzfeed isn’t the same without him. Without them. It doesn’t matter now. Nothing matters now.

14  
She knows he’s in there. They have a routine. She brings him some casserole on Saturday he leaves a clean dish on the welcome mat on Friday’s and hopes it doesn’t get stolen. It makes her feel better, knowing he’s at least eating something. Knowing that he can manage it clean one dish a week. Ryan always was a creature of habit.

15  
Ryan gets another call. He lets it go to voicemail, just like all the ones since. _We’re sorry Ryan… we have to let you go… we know how hard this is… you are welcome back…_ He doesn’t hear most of the call. He hears what he needs. He keeps the voicemail, once a week or so he has to remind himself.

16  
This is really happening, _he’s_ really gone. He can’t say _his_ name. He doesn’t think think he’ll ever be able to say  _his_ name again. The voicemail is the only proof he has. His memory hasn’t been a reliable source as of late.

17  
He’s not sure how long it’s been, he’s started counting time by casserole, but there seems to be too many to remember now. Twelve, thirteen maybe. He can never be sure. It doesn’t feel real, nothing feels real.

18  
It’s all a dream, it’s all a dream, it’s all a dream. Everything he does is a haze, he’s on a plane of existence between awake and sleeping, the living and the dead. It’s all a dream, it’s all a dream, it’s all a dream. He falls back asleep.

19  
He wakes up and there’s no breathing body there beside him. He thinks nothing of it, _he’s_ in the bathroom, _he’s_ gone to grab a snack. Ryan knows better as his eyes adjust. _He’s_ been gone for quite a while now. And he doesn’t work there with  _him_ anymore, they had to let him go  

20  
Ryan pulled the covers closer to his face, letting them pool around his too heavy limbs, and pretended there was another body entertwined with his in the darkness.

**Author's Note:**

> Um let me know what you think in the comments. Thank you so much for reading


End file.
